We begin in Jupiter, Florida, 1952,
where a milkman enters a house where his previous delivery remains
untouched. The fancy house still has dinner set on the table, and an
elderly woman dead next to the table. As he recoils, he hears a
thumpity-thump and heads upstairs with the infalliable weapon choice
of a rolling pin to investigate. What he thumps...we don't know. But
it is rushed to the hospital and we see it's feet on a gurney being
pushed down a hallway. The left toes are painted. The right ones are
not.
A doctor and nurse in the hospital are
looking at xrays, there's one bladder, three kidneys, two spines,
four lungs, two hearts. The doctor is trying to play it cool but the
nurse keeps staring instead of taking notes.
Enter the belle of all the American
Horror Story balls, Jessica Lange, walking down a hospital hallway.
She charms her way past a young candy stripper and gets her own
outfit to see the double spined wonder. She gives the stripper a card
for “Frauline Elsa's Cabinent of Curiosities” and says the only
by entering can she know it's secrets. I bet we hear that line again!
In the hospital room, is the thing
itself, conjoined twins. Sarah Paulson takes on this tricky role, and
it seemed the editing/effects were a little clunky. Also, after
hearing that there are 4 lungs and seeing only their heads are
separate, they looked awfully small in the ribcage. When Elsa gives
Left a drag on her cigarette, Right exhales, which would contradict
the 4 lungs. Until we're told otherwise, the two heads are Right and
Left, and we see that Right is not swayed by Elsa's initial
compliments. Left, however, is sold on the idea that someone is nice
and chatty. Elsa questions them about their sex life: two hearts but
one reproductive system.
In an open field, a young couple are
getting busy when the young man says he has a surprise back in the
car for her. While she waits laying on the picnic blanket, her tulle
playing in the wind, we meet everyone's new favorite character, who I
am calling Stabby McStabberstiens. I'm sure he has a real name but I
don't care.
Tattered suit, matted but still colored pom poms
for buttons, an oversized dusty pink rose on his three tufts of
colored, dirty hair and a huge creepy grin from a mask implanted into
his face. He bows before the confused and scared lady and offers her
fake flowers. The young man comes back and Stabby gets mad and earns
his name by, well, stabbing him. Excessively. He's clearly not heard
of the 'bros before hoes' adage.
A stereotypical diner has Elsa reading
the papers and clipping movie reviews of Marlena Dietrich. She has a
whole notebook of similar reviews, which doesn't seem obsessive at
all. She sees a slick fellow flirting with her waitress. She knows
him and interrupts by asking him to try her lighter. He tells Elsa
that they all have to move away from the field they're renting. But
Elsa has a plan. When the waitress asks her to close out her check,
Elsa says it's on the house because stars never pay.
In a lovely house, girls in dresses are
discussing their husbands' lack of sexual appetite. A woman emerges
from the back room looking happy and diseveled. The host announces
it's the next girls turn. When she gets to the room, we see the guy
from the diner, Jimmy. His fingers are melted together in twos, sorta
like the penguin's. The girl lays on the bed and he turns his
“deformity” into a “proformity.” Just doing what he can to
make the world a better place.
Elsa confronts the twins, or more
accurately from Right, who silences Left mentally. But Left is eager
to talk. Sadly, she just blabbers and Elsa calls her on her just
using the plot of Gaslight. Elsa recommends they get their
story straight before the cops come.
Stabby McStabbersteins is wandering
through a house while a radio reporter talks about the 4 brutal
murder in the past two weeks. Stabby takes Corey, the 8 year old boy.
In the next scene, we find out where. He's being stored in a cage on
a bus along with another, older girl. He takes his time showing them
things, apparently trying to put them at ease but then laughs when
they ask to leave. He shakes noise makers at them and then tries
making balloon animals. When it goes askew, and the balloon pops, the
kids startle and then he just gets mad and throws balls at the cage
to scare them more. Clearly these children aren't ready for such
showmanship.
Right and Left are packing when Elsa
drops by to chat. Elsa has it figured out. Bette (Left) wanted to go
out to a movie and ended up killing their mom when she says no. Dot
(Right) could have stopped her, but decided to later stab Bette in
the chest. Both girls are stuck and confused as to what Elsa wants,
until Elsa explains that she simply wants them. Cue the twins walking
to the entry of the freak show; Bette feeling free and hopeful, Dot
far more weary and concerned.
Bette is sold on the 'bigger the star
the bigger the tent' life with fancy things. Dot writes in her diary
that she's not thrilled. Until she meets Jimmy Darling, who sends her
a wink. The bearded lady is Kathy Bates and she's charged with
preaching the gospel of Elsa. Elsa, she says, rescued her. More to
come later, I imagine. Dot says they aren't anyone's trained monkey
and won't perform. But Ethel explains this is the best possible
outcome.
Jimmy and his friends are putting up an
ad for the Siamese sisters when a car drives by throwing crap at them
and calling them freaks. That will come back I'm sure.
Candy striper ruins Elsa's movie night
by saying she wants to leave. Elsa calmly explains that she is just
feeling the opium and can but not speak of her time here. Candy is
all “hell no! I was ravaged!” and wouldn't you know, the movie
Elsa is watching of Candy with.....pretty much everyone. “There's
nothing to be ashamed of,” Elsa explains. The monsters are the
people of the little towns, she explains. They don't have souls, and
everyone is living the life they choose. Elsa is informed that the
show has sold out for the night, every single seat.
Turns out Jimmy is Ethel's son and he
wants out. But Ethel's God is Elsa. Jimmy sounds like he just wants
to live a life outside the freak show. Ethel's compromise is telling
Jimmy to get the twins to like it at the show. When a cop comes to
arrest the twins for their mother's murder, Jimmy get pissed and
impulsively stabs the guy in the throat. Dot is in TRUE WUV when he
uncuffs them. “You saved us,” she said. “Now you save us,” he
replies. And Dot is now a believer!
So who bought out the show? A man and
his mom. Dandy is the son and he's a weirdo, making his
On to the show! Ethel is the
announcer,showing off the line up and Dandy is so amped. But no more
so than when he sees the sisters. And then we see Elsa Mars. Her
talent? Singing on a cardboard rocket while in a periwinkle suit and
Hedwig makeup. Now I'm not sure you can make Jessica Lange ugly. But
the super tight old lady perm hair and horrid makeup come close. But
so much glitter and everyone's working together! It's like the end of
Rocky Horror, Hedwig and Rushmore. Elsa finishes her song to realize
noone
Dandy wants to buy the Siamese Sisters.
His mother (Francis Conroy) offers 15,000 “and not another penny
unless she grows another head.” Dot turns them down to Elsa's
delight. They're a family now. Dandy's mom leaves by throwing shade
on Elsa's singing. Stabby rides the carosel, all alone.
After the show, Jimmy leads the crew to
the woods and preaches about being left alone. And how if that's
can't happen, they should rise up and take the happiness they
deserve. If they want to call us monsters, we're gonna act like
monsters, he says. He looks at Dot. “And that means you, because
you're one of us now.” She swoons. Then they stab the ever-loving
shit out of the cop's body as Stabby looks on from the woods. Could
this be his home?
Ethel and Elsa have confession time
where Elsa shares that her reason for bringing on the twins is so
people will come, hear her sing and then she'll become famous. She
cries and her cakey make up runs. Her hair flattens. She listens to
“Auf Weidersein.” She pops her prosethic legs off. Maybe growing
up with school shooting and Iraq wars has numbed me to missing limbs,
but to me I was waiting for flippers or bird heads. She just doesn't
have anything below the knees? That's not freaky.
The future:
Is Stabby part of the crew? He wasn't
in the dance number. Elsa wants to stay and his rampant stabbings
will bring a lot of unwanted attention. Any truce they forage will be
temporary. Chiklis is apparently not Stabby, and Stabby has a name. Booooo. My love for
either is untarnished. We'll talk about each next time.
Bette's head is always to the side
which looks like a strange photoshop, not like something that she
could hold for any amount of time. Yes, I'm saying there'd be a huge
muscle strain if your second neck and head were constantly askew.
They both have bob haircuts, but Bette's is always lopsided. Just
saying.
Oh yeah, those kids are still locked in
the cage somewhere. I hope Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConeghey
show up and bust them out.
Coming up this season: Emma Roberts is
back as a freak show head hunter/possible fortune teller. Angela
Bassett is the 3 boobed hermaphrodite. Jimmy volunteers Dot to sing
and she busts out Fiona Apple's “Criminal” to the ire of Elsa.
She's going to need to kill her meal ticket. Stabby is bought/stolen
to be a private clown for Dandy, which could set up a war of the
freaks since Dandy and his mom seem to not like the “unbreakable”
family ties of the show.
Everyone is about showbiz this year.
And discrimination. And skeletons mimicking sex. And two heads, sometimes switched. And protecting your people, though I'm sure that
will fall asunder by the next episode. :) Bring it.
